lumberlady | Noctium

[He spends some time sifting through her thoughtful response. It's all very...her. In the best way possible.]

In other words, you would prioritize his feelings, and the other woman's feelings, over your own. So I suppose if Gonta were already married to this hypothetical woman, you would give a wide berth.

I'm afraid I'm far more reckless than you. I may have already made a spectacular mess of things.

["May have"...]

[Konoha might try to clarify, to explain that she didn’t really think of it as “prioritizing” so much as loving someone enough to put aside selfishness and let them be happy with someone else, but that’s her…

And honestly, this isn’t about her. From the very beginning this might have always been about asking-]

NIKOLAI
what did you do?

[Although there's no point in cloaking the truth of the matter in hypothetical scenarios, a prolonged pause precedes his answer as he tries to decide where to begin.]

An excellent question, Konoha.

You might remember that I once proposed to Alina and she turned me down because she preferred another man. Well, she married him. This was all a few years ago.

Except, from Alina's perspective, none of it has happened yet. She's from my past, and I'm from her future.

[So in other words...while from a romantic angle he may be seen as seizing a lost opportunity, a less generous eye could cast it as bedding another man's wife.]

[She had promised Alina, once, drunk on handfasting liquor on a beach in Marilla... not to mention to Nikolai a man named Mal and a fantasy of a simple married life on a farm. She'd kept that promise, she had, even at times when she was tempted to ask if things were alright, even when she sometimes heard something that didn't quite make sense, but now...

No. She would keep that secret. She'd promised. But knowing it... and reading this now...

Something settles deep and uncomfortable in both of her stomachs.]

did you tell ALINA?
is ALINA knowing her future?

Edited 2021-12-12 21:31 (UTC)

I reassured her that she succeeds in the task set before her. The civil war is won. I couldn't leave her in the dark for however long we were going to be here.

[Which has turned out to be quite a lot longer than he anticipated all those months ago...]

But all I told her about Mal is that he's alive and well.

so you tell her job is done well
that war is over
that man she love enough to marry is safe

but not that she marry him?
not that she marry anyone?

[Yes, he's aware how bad that sounds. Saints.]

I didn't think it prudent to reveal too much of the future.

At least, that's what I'd like to claim. Maybe it was because my pride still stung from her rejection.

But I didn't withhold the truth from her because I thought she might change her mind. Honestly, I never thought she would regard me as anything but a friend.

do not wish to reveal too much of future
but is fine with changing future?
is fine if she knows every other thing but that she is married?
happy?

NIKOLAI
why did you not tell later?
when things start to change?

[In the beginning, Mal sometimes crossed his thoughts when he was kissing Alina. When they lay together in bed basking in the afterglow, he might realize that he was stealing Mal's life, having what wasn't supposed to be his.

He chased the thought away so many times it eventually stopped coming back.

So he has no good answer for Konoha now. Because he was happy. Because he was tired of being lonely, and he couldn't go back now that he knew what it was like to be chosen by her.]

I didn't want to give her a reason to turn back. It all felt so fragile, I didn't want to break it.

I'm an incurable fool, I know.

no
NIKOLAI is not a fool

a fool does not understand what they is doing is wrong

this is selfish, NIKOLAI
do you understand?
so selfish

I know.

[This whole thing started because they let themselves be selfish for once. Only, once turned into another time, and another, their greed growing into a sharp-clawed monster.]

So I'm worse than a fool.

I'll go home to Ravka someday. Alina will be in wedded bliss with Mal, and I'll try my best to make a wife out of a complete stranger. It will be as if none of this ever happened. Is that not enough?

[Until then, is he not allowed to be a little selfish?]

no

[again, no, a refusal to allow it, to forgive it… not in this condition]

i went to world like this
once
before here
not alone, gonta is with i
gods ask of us things
and we do them
in the end we succeed
and in the end we are given choice to return home or stay
of course we go
and we remember everything
people here say OH!
we no remember when going home then return
possible would be true for you
but if we succeed?
if MALACHITE become great god and we go home and we keep memory

do you accept responsibility?
do you be fine with staining ALINA ‘s happiness with another man?

it does not matter if you do accept
because ALINA cannot
if she does not know she cannot make choice
just NIKOLAI deciding everything
making choice for her like you know better?

does NIKOLAI know better than ALINA?
i say impossible.

NIKOLAI
i think you know impossible

[Impossible. He's never liked that word, but for once he finds he can't contest it. He wanted her advice, and now he's got it.]

You're right. I'm not being fair to her.

If I love Alina, I need to tell her the truth. And if she's to choose me, she needs to know what she's choosing.

[He deletes and retypes and deletes that word several times. Love. Although he's hauled it around for months, never has he written it for someone else to see. But she makes it a little easier to leave himself vulnerable.]

[after “no”, “no”, “no”… finally-]

yes.

you were fool at first
but if you continue now with lie
you will not be good man any longer
you should tell her, NIKOLAI.

[but just because it’s the right thing… sorry, Mikuni, she’ll apologize to you later-]

i can think see
now
i’s husband’s most close friend is here
friend of i also
and now he helps i during heat
is kind and beautiful, smart and wise, supports and makes laugh
what if he lies to i?
says he is from future, and i am not with gonta anymore
or what if i was like ALINA from past
and he lets i believe i never marry gonta

possible i could love him here
possible this love would be sweet and good

but if i find he lies?
honesty?
i do not know if i could look again
not same way
not with same love

is NIKOLAI ready?

[Why did you wait, Nikolai… ? To tell her when it would be the most painful as possible for the both of you… ?]

[That's precisely what he's afraid of, that she'll never look at him the same way again. That she won't be able to stand looking at him at all. All the weeks stretched between that evening under a glowing bower and now, all the pretty little moments in between, sharpen the truth to a fatal point. He knows this.

Just as he knows he has to tell her anyway. Just as he knows this little fantasy of theirs must come to an end someday, maybe sooner than later.]

Not at all.

Ready or not, though, I'll do what I must.

[…]

good.

if you need after
i am here.

Thank you, Konoha.

You're wiser than I am by half.

I'll keep in touch. Until then, stay warm and stay busy.

[this isn’t the time, she knows… to hope this other woman he is destined for might hopefully be as wise. hopefully way wiser, if there’s an actual country to be run. a man on his own… they do foolish, selfish things like this.

the only thing she sends, though, is-]

you also NIKOLAI

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