lumberlady | Noctium

I appreciate it, but… It’s fine,
really. Other people can’t fix that sort of loneliness, and I’m used to it now.

[It just feels a bit rude to have someone else there when it’s obvious the other person’s comfort isn’t what she wants or needs, and the feeling won’t just pass, so… She doesn’t hide it, but she also doesn’t necessarily need anything done about it, either. She can’t explain it.]

Did you have another question… ?

Alright.

[ She feels a little guilty that Konoha could ever be alone and cry. She takes her word for it -- Konoha seems like a strong woman, someone Gwenhwyfar looks up to. ]

Whatever we do here to survive -- is it wrong? With... [ Gwenhwyfar gives a vague gesture. ] Everything.

If I were to look at another man when I was married, I would be killed for it. No one has ever told me if it was ever fine to have feelings for others.

[It’s a ritual… The crying is much nicer if you can bury your face in your baby’s sling and try to sniff what scent it has left on it in private.]

Well… that depends.

[“Killed” seems a bit much, she’s far more familiar with breaking off engagements, social stigma, and divorce, but…]

I’m assuming by “whatever we do here to survive” you mean sleeping with people? Or do you mean falling in love… ? They’re kind of different, for me…

Well, the latter...

[ A deep frown crosses her face as she shifts in her seated postion. ]

Uh, the latter happened. Elsewhere. But we've agreed not to continue once I return home.

[ Lancelot is a killjoy like that. Though, talking about sleeping with other men feels as if she were talking to an older sister or auntie.

It's a little embarrassing. She leans into the device, itself, cupping her face is if she was whispering into Konoha's ear directly. ]

Sleeping with, uh- other men.

[Thankfully? Konoha is one of the last people who can judge when it comes to acting weird about network devices, because she… leans in closer as if that will help.

As one does. As for the answer…]

It’s a little wrong.

[She’s not gonna sugar coat it!!! Konoha’s horizons may have broadened a lot but she’s still from 1620…]

We can get by and not crystallize without going… you know, all the way… just holding hands and sitting together and such is enough. So when we’re in our right minds we shouldn’t…

[A reminder to herself, too… for those moments she feels so lonely that she almost wants to ask someone to be with her, even if it were wrong.]

But if, you know… the gems are being weird… or some magic has happened… That’s not our fault. I tell my husband everything, I promised I would… so I’ll tell him, but you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.

[Like maybe not tell people who would kill you, basically, but-]

What matters is that you love them first in your heart. That other people, even if you like them or love them a little… aren’t the same type of love. Then you aren’t betraying them… not the way that really counts.

Yes.

[ She is only now coming to terms with that guilt, especially after being told that she cries for Arthur in her dreams. ]

Yet... it is strange. When your family arranges you to be someone's wife, you're told that you must only think of him. There is no one else to think of. [ At least as a princess. ] No one tells you what it's like when you feel for others, it's very strange. And confusing.

[ She lets out a small sigh. ]

Mother never told me any of these things... and I have no sister-- oh, no, that's not true. A half-sister. She's only 14. Is it... terrible to say that you're like a sister? An older sister! I've always wanted one.

[ Because she feels that lost. Gwenhwyfar nods eagerly but falters a little. ]

I shouldn't say anything, then? About what happens here?

[For all nobility and royals had nice lives compared to peasants, they sure did do some strange things... tbh]

It's not terrible. I always wanted siblings when I was younger, too.

[It would be quite rude, after all, to consider it "terrible" for someone to think of her that way... But hopefully before there could be a misunderstanding-]

It's not that you shouldn't... It's that it's your decision. I don't think it's wrong to keep it to yourself if people who don't understand what this place is like would react poorly... but if you want to tell them, you could...

Oh, in that case... I'm glad. Grateful, even.

[ She'll just keep it quiet that she doesn't really like it when her younger half-sister calls her "big sister". ]

Uh.

[ She nods, feeling a bit better about her current spot, considering. ]

Then... in that case, I won't talk about it. That family I will marry into they are critical of those sorts of things if it wasn't awkward enough already.

[ Scary, but still. ]

Was your wedding nice...?

[Tis indeed a confusing dichotomy.]

Mmm, yeah, last time I checked most families prefer their daughter-in-laws be virgins… The future world people here tell me that’s not good, or they don’t do that anymore, but… It’s how it is in my world, too. So maybe don’t tell them…

[Sure, divorced women or widows still had a chance, but if it was high social ranks… the most a woman who wasn’t already had could generally hope for that was a noble took them as a mistress for the sake of sons, if she’d already borne someone else’s and proven herself a healthy mother… they tended to be strict on that stuff…]

Ah, my wedding wasn’t really a proper one… I’m sure you’ll have a much nicer one! I asked my husband to make me his wife the day he was leaving my village, so… it was pretty rushed! Mostly just a banquet we threw together that night.

[She doesn’t really sound sad about that, though. They were wed, essentially, and that was enough for her.]

Well, where I come from, there are people that prefer their women to be virgins... but they're called "Christians" and make us about it. My people-- they called us, uh... "Celts"? Pagans? There are weird names for my ancestors but fertility has always been regarded as important. The man I am supposed to marry is from a Christian family. It's supposed to stop in-fighting and all of that.

[ She... really ramble off there, didn't she? Embarrassed, Gwenhwyfar nods eagerly, although- ]

Actually, Konoha, if I had it my way... I would rather have something like that. Something simple. A lot of people would be a little frightening.

[ It's not as if there will be people from multiple royal families, oh, no. ]

Mmm, that sort of thing happens in my home, too. I mean... Not for religious, I'm pretty sure everyone is the same religion... [she thinks?] But for, you know. Warring clans and such...

[She's heard about these Christian peeps. It makes sense! Mingle the bloodlines, make peace, all that good stuff...]

Ehe, well, it just was a bit rushed. No time to make new kimono, or do a procession to the husband's home because Gonta's herd lives so far away... But my parents were there, that was good enough for me.

Yours has been planned for a long time, so... I suppose there's a lot of pressure.

Warring clans in Briton are a common occurrence, yes. Even my betrothed's family warred against mine hundreds of years ago.

[ It wasn't as if Bran the Blessed was ever fond of Gwyn ap Nudd, anyway. ]

At the very least... it sounds lovely. It isn't about how pretty or decorative it is, it's- [ She's refusing to sniffle, so she takes a big breath and sighs. ]

Living to see that day come, yes? It wouldn't be as frightening as mine, no, my arrangement has existed even before I was born at the insistence of my grandfather.

[Making it about living to see the day is... a bit morbid, if not technically partially? valid?, but-]

More about, ah... Just being able to marry someone I love, really...

[Because it wasn't like not being nobility excluded you from matches arranged by family... But in her case-]

Or, well, being able to get married at all, that, too... There weren't any jinba men in my village.

[And humans weren't exactly... clamoring to marry jinba, so.]

But you said you love your betrothed, right... ? So you get to be lucky, too.

[Otherwise, it would feel too cruel to say these kinds of things to her.]

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